It's about 6 months since my marriage cratered.
Everyone in the path will be sorting this out for a while, but here is where things are for me right now.
It's more work for me to run my home than it did before. But not a lot more. And that says volumes about before.
I've noticed that things stay a lot neater now and that messes grow at a slower rate. Managing finances has diminished from a stressful part-time job to another minor chore on the list. It feels like I have more money even though I have less than half of what I had.
Life is bigger.
I have more time with my son, Jack. I've seen my siblings more this half year than I had in the three years prior. The bonds are stronger and vibrant.
Art outside of my job has blossomed and flowered. It is a homecoming for me, but to a different home. Ballroom dancing is everything I hoped it would be. I'm dancing 4 hours a week and could probably bump that up and still enjoy every minute. My partners report that my waltz, tango, and quickstep are quite good. I've also harbored a secret desire for a pair of really expensive shoes.
Dancing shoes - check that one off my list.
I'm getting out a bit. I've seen Ballet Lab from Australia and Storm Large in Portland Center Stage's Cabaret.
I'm leaner and stronger than I've been in a while. I look pretty good naked. And that's going to be good news for someone - eventually.
I've always been a very independent person. I enjoy my own company. However, going from 5 busy souls to 1 in the three stories of my home has a way of reminding you that you are missing some. This Thanksgiving week, by the rules, was a long one for the kids with their mom.
I miss them a lot.
I'd say that I'm pretty firmly in the acceptance stage of mourning with light flickers of anger and depression.
I look at things now and I conjure the Twilight Zone scenario: With what you know now, if you could have chosen this path, would you?
Honestly, I don't know. But the fact that "no!" doesn't flash in my brain tells the story. The balances/imbalances between sustenance/famine, give/take, admiration/narcissism, grace/greed, isolation/community, egotism/art weren't good for me.
I say yes to this life. It is mine and it is good.
November 21, 2007
thankful
02:33 PM
I am deeply thankful for the opportunity to teach and learn with the 10 and 11 year old children of Portland. After back-to-back 12+ hour days of conferencing with parents, it's never been clearer to me that I am doing exactly what I should be doing.
All of my life experiences, skills, passions, and inclinations coalesce in teaching. Learning has me fired up every day. There is no end to what I can do to improve my craft, so I am constantly reminded that I am a student first and a teacher second.
To reflect on the educators that inspired me and then to have more than a dozen parents say, "Mr. Naze, you are my child's favorite teacher" or "My kid loves school this year" is deeply moving.
I've known this feeling before. I've had it playing in the Portland Youth Philharmonic and the Portland Chamber Orchestra. I've had it especially in my early days of creating days of naze. I've had it at times running KLC Radio at Lewis & Clark College.
But before teaching, I'd never felt such a profound sense of fulfillment and artistry.
This is not so much a revelation as a crescendo. One that I hope will continue to rise.
November 14, 2007
i'm for the working guy
11:42 PM
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One of the most mystifying feats of the radical right is their success in persuading so many to despise working class Americans, especially those that choose to organize, and glorify gluttonous CEO's.
Corporate media has a stake in the debate and that plays no small part in what you see and hear.
Now the writers that bring you the shows that entertain and inform you want to be paid fairly for their work. Notice who stands with the workers, the writers. That will tell you a lot about a person's character.
November 10, 2007
lose yourself
09:23 PM
Sitting on a #3 ranking on a bye week. Nice. #1 Ohio State goes down to unranked Illinois? Better.
From here on out, Oregon football needs to look at the rest of the season as a dark alley, not a stage. Every foe sees their game with you as an opportunity of a lifetime. Beat Oregon, make the season.
Think only Tucson. Thursday. Just Thursday.
